Bags of Bran

Who’s gonna play the drums?
April 17, 2013, 2:03 pm
Filed under: Biography, Destined to get me in trouble

I think next time I get into a discussion with someone who says that form is not important I’m going to whisk out a puppet and have the conversation from behind a screen, through Doris the Porcupine. There are some people who won’t even notice, I’m sure.

This particularly pertains to the discussion of music, where hotheads on both sides of the widening chasm have lately been venting their spleens. In Fundamentalism, for the past fifty years or so, pop music has been OK as long as it was more than 30 years old. Just about the time that normal human beings were pulling Bobby Darin 8-tracks out of the attic and getting twinges of nostalgia, Fundamentalists were just beginning to ape his style in their children’s music.

Well, all that’s changed now. Instead of 30 years behind, now Fundamentalists want to be ten years behind. They want to listen to, worship themselves to, swoon at the feet of, bedeck their children in the officially-licensed soft goods of, and otherwise financially support the Contemporary Christian Music industry. You know, the guys who are still trying to sound like Creed? Those guys.

Fine. It happened a generation early.

But I have a question for Fundamentalists who want rock bands in their churches. I won’t be attending, but I know what it’s going to sound like, having done some time in mediocre rock bands over the years.

Guitar you can fake: it’s called power chords and distortion.

Bass you can fake: it’s called “just play the root,” and “don’t play anything written before 1975 because it’s too hard.”

Singing you can definitely fake: it’s called reverb.

Drums, however, you can’t fake. And you, Fundamentalists, have no competent drummers. Furthermore, you won’t for about ten years, because it takes a while to get good at drums. Watch all the videos you want, take lessons, do whatever: you don’t have it in you, and the people who do have it in them are already in poppy churches.

So, good luck with that.


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